Mama Don't Need Your Crap: 5 Things to NOT Get This Mother's Day.

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Mother's Day is coming.

With just a few shopping days left before Mother's Day, you may still be scrambling to get the perfect present for the mother of your children (yes, *you* dear giver of half the DNA are responsible for helping little Timmy out with the shopping), or, if you already got any of the following gifts, I may be about to save you if you're (hopefully) still within the return period. Give the mother in your life the gift of less with these minimalist friendly gift giving tips and keep reading because I'll even reveal the ULTIMATE MOTHER'S DAY gift.

But first, if you are eyeing any of the following...go dig for your receipt. You are so welcome, Mamas.

Hideous Jewelry. The bags under our eyes, the stretch marks around our bellies, and the trail of children tagging along behind is enough to showcase our status as life carriers, please don't make us proclaim it in the form of tacky "mom" jewelry. Very few of us have won Academy Awards for our acting ability, so let's just not even try to fake enthusiasm for this terrible category of jewelry.

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Instead...Mama needs a new tattoo. Contact her fav artist, get a gift certificate, and book her a consult to start designing the next piece in her collection. Bonus info...do *not* go and get yourself a mom tattoo and then claim it's for her...especially if that her is your wife. (Based on real, face palm worthy events.)

Cleaning Supplies. Do you want to get kicked in the shin? Because buying the mother of your children any form of vacuum is not the kind of sucking up you should be doing to say thanks for bringing forth your progeny. (No, I don't care if she asked for something practical...that was code for "figure it the fuck out I dropped like 12 hints already.")

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Instead...call a house cleaning service to come in for a deep cleaning or schedule a few month's worth of every other week services. Has she been working towards minimizing belongings and getting the house organized? Book a session with a personal organizer.

Any Sort of Plaque, Figurine, or Knick Knack. No. Just no.

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NOOOOOOO.

Coffee Mugs. Yes, I love coffee as much as the next person who is running on 2 hours of non-consecutive sleep, but could we please enjoy our favorite beverage without being reminded as to the reason why we need to drink an entire pot in the first place?

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Also, while I'm on a streak of things mothers don't need...could we PLEASE be done with this whole "I must be drunk in order to deal with the trials and tribulations of motherhood" notion?

Yuck.

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While looking for photos for this post, the amount of stuff geared towards mothers that had some sort of reference to wine emblazoned on it was astounding. There are plenty of other bloggers who have tackled this topic (like here and here and here), so I won't dive into it, but y'all...this is a trend that can quit. If you *need* a glass (or bottle) of wine to get through your day, you have a *problem*, not a cute coffee cup.

Plus, wine tastes like feet and the nitrates sulfates* are terrible for you.

Stop. Acting. Like. This. Is. Cute. And. Normal.

And finally...

Brunch, Dinner, or Any Other Activity That Involves the Children. Listen, Father's Day is the occasion where we will plan a lovely family activity for the important men in our lives, but Mother's Day is *not* the time for some family togetherness.

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I tried to find a photo of my own kids out at a restaurant to use for this, but I couldn't find one. Do you know why? Because 3 kids out at a restaurant means that I taste nothing except for the anxiety churning in the pit of my stomach that this whole thing is about to turn into something that will make us go viral on the internet. There is no time to take a photo, let alone give the menu more than a cursory glance to decide what will be the thing I can eat the fastest and/or will taste OK eaten cold out of a doggy bag later that night.

I'm up every other bite in order to take someone to the bathroom. To wipe up a spill. To cut up food. To explain why this particular food hasn't been served on that one green plate that we have at home and why you should not go to the next table to try out what they ordered while asking about their favorite animal. SIT DOWN IT'S MOTHER'S DAY DAMNIT.

Meals out with kids are stressful and *not* how to show the glue who holds your family together that you love and appreciate her.

Instead...here's the ultimate insider secret as to what mothers want for Mother's Day.

Are you ready?

Here it is.

We want you to leave us alone.

Yes. That's right. Happy Mother's Day! Now GTFO.

Yep. I said it. Us mothers want nothing more than some alone time and peace and quiet; no crap that we'll feel guilty over donating to the thrift store required. Here's how to pull it off:

Get up in the morning, feed the children, don't make us breakfast (we love you and you're so awesome for wanting to feed us**, but SLEEP  > GETTING FOOD SPILLED ON YOU IN BED), clean up the kitchen (like really clean...empty sink, table and counters wiped, floor swept) (heaven help you if it looks like a damn science experiment involving Pop Tarts and glitter in there), and then take those preshus wee babes that we love so much the other 364 days out of the year and leave the house. GOOOO.

Do *not* come into the bedroom to ask where the diapers are/how to work the car seat/where the nearest playground is/what you should do in case of a bear attack. Just go. Enjoy the children that we mothers baked for you!

When you come home (SEVERAL HOURS LATER. I.E. MORE THAN 2), we'll be rested, slightly more sane, and ready to accept our lovingly made hand-drawn cards and hear about all of your adventures. Seriously, not a thing more is needed. How's that for minimalist?

Jake and the boys already have my request for a solid block of time to putter about the house with zero responsibilities to keep anyone else alive or to get anything of any importance done. I have plans to lounge about, play too many games of Disney's Emoji Blitz (#addicted), and to simply enjoy the silence.

How about you? What do YOU want for Mother's Day this year?

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* Thanks to eagle eyed reader, Michael, for catching that one...wine has sulfates, not nitrates. I must have been secretly thinking about bacon. Mmmmm...bacon. (Wine still tastes like feet though.)

** Bonus pro tip from my pal, Meghan: There should be donuts left on the (clean) counter for us to find whenever we decide to schlep out of bed. And, Stephen, husband of Meghan, if you're reading...1/3 of those donuts should be chocolate iced. *fist bump*